Loving Your In-Laws

Years ago I remember my sister-in-law saying that she was happy that her parents and her in-laws lived 13 hours apart.  I could not understand why that made her happy, because she lived near her in-laws and far from her family.  She explained that when they go to Idaho for Thanksgiving or Christmas, they do not have to share the holiday with both families.  It was not until I was married and my husband and I had the decide, "Where will we spend this holiday" that I understood her comment.  With both families living close to us, this is what we argued about for years.

In Genesis 2:24 it says "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave unto his wife".   Elder Marvin J Ashton clarified the meaning of this scripture.  He said "Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection,comfort and total support, but in leaving father, mother and other family members it was never intended that now they be ignored, abandon, shunned, or deserted.  They are still family, a great source of support.....Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize that their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision or imposition, but in love, concern and encouragement".

It is so important that as husband and wife we learn to lean on each other.  I have been fortunate to have in-laws who have never tried to get involved in my marriage in a way that would come between my husband and I.  They may have different opinions than I do, but they have never tried to come in between my husband and I.  I love them dearly, and they have always support our little family.  In the beginning of our marriage we lived about 5 minutes from them, but did not see them much.  After we had been married for 10 years we moved 4 1/2 hours away from both families, and as hard as it was to live that far away from them, it was such a good decision.  We learned to lean on each other even more and never felt that either family was budding in.  Both families were encouraging with our move, because it meant a better job for my husband.

James M. Harper dean of Family Life at BYU said "It is important for parent-in-laws to find ways to personally build a relationship with their children-in-laws as individuals.  Often interactions are with the newly married couple or the larger family group, rather than the individuals.  Mother-in-laws might consider inviting the daughter-in-laws for a lunch then work toward a balance of self-disclosure and  acceptance in the conversation.  Father-in-laws could do something individually with their son-in-laws, again with the purpose of building a positive, accepting relationship". Our children have seen the relationship that both my husband and I have had with our in-laws, and I hope when it is time from them to settle down and get married, they can use this example in their marriage.  My husband and I have often talked about sharing our children with the other in-laws, and I pray that I can use the example of my in-laws, to be the best I can.

He Is My Partner

When my husband and I got married almost 22 years ago, we were partners in this marriage.  We each give 100% to this partnership.  Over the years, I think that we both have felt like our partnership has slid a little with one of us making more of the decisions than both of us.  But together we learned that we are equals in this partnership.  In this weeks lesson we discussed "Who Is The Boss, Power Relationship in Families", which is part of a talk given by Richard B. Miller at a BYU Conference on Family Life.

One of the areas he covered was "The Marital Relationship Should Be A Partnership".  Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife.  Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship.  Decisions for the family need to be made together.  This will create a happy marriage when couple share their power and has a true partnership.

Husbands and wives are equal.  Pres Gordon B. Hinckley said "In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority.  A woman does not walk ahead of a man, neither does a man walk ahead of a woman.  They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey".  This is a great quote from President Hinckley.  This is something that we have tried to instill in our children, their dad and I walk side by side.

Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equal.  By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners (Declaration on the Family).  This is how I was raised.  My dad was the priesthood in our home and provided for us while my mom nurtured my siblings and I.  In the world today, things have changes some.  Some fathers are stay-at-home moms, while the wife provides for the family.  I am grateful for the priesthood my husband holds and for his providing for our family.

A husband's role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.  The First Presidency, comprised of Joseph F. Smith, Anthon H. Lund, and Charles W. Penrose, in February 1914 declared, “Priesthood is not given for the honor or aggrandizement of man, but for the ministry of service among those for whom the bearers of that sacred commission are called to labor” (Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, May 1996, p. 43).  As I watch my husband serve his family, I am grateful for the example his dad set for him.  This is so important for a husband to do, but as a wife, I need not abuse this.  

Husbands and wives work together as partners.  They [husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration. Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action. They should consult, pray, and decide together… Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other. Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives (Marion G. Romney, Ensign, March 1978, pp. 2–4).  As my husband and I work together to raise our children, and we do it as equal partners.  

I love that as a couple we can let our children see us working together.  There has been times in our marriage when one of our children has come to each of us separately to ask if they could do something.  We learned early on to tell them "Let me talk it over with you dad (or mom) and we will let you know.  Taking that time to talk to each other has helped us come together as husband and wife.  Sometimes I may think that it is okay for one of our children to go skiing (for instance), but my husband may fill differently.  Considering his feelings on something like this is how we come together.  He is my husband, the love of my life and my partner.

God-blessed and God-ordained

In Genesis we read about how Adam and Eve were instructed to "be fruitful, and multiply." (Gen 1:28)  this includes having children and teaching them the primary reasons for marriage.  It is for a man to "cleave to his wife" and  to "be one flesh"." (Gen 2:24).  Within these powerful scripture, we see the symbolism of commitment and emotional union of a husband and wife, we also see the message that is the understanding that sexual intimacy itself is a powerful symbol of the meaning of marriage.

As Latter-day Saints, I think that we tend to not discuss sexual intimacy.  If you look at the world, it make sexual intimacy seem like a shameful act or even dirty.  But with in the bonds of marriage, it is a a celebration that is God-blessed, and God-ordained.  Sexual intimacy isn't just about procreation,  it is about binding a husband and wife together.  

Sexual Intimacy is not always a subject that couples want to talk about.  Elder Hugh B. Brown said, Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as the basic and fundamental function is concerned...... if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage...much sorrow, heartbreak and tragedy could be avoided".  If we as a couple can talk about our intimate relationship, it can strengthen our marriage.

In the book "How to Make a Good Marriage Great",  Sean E. Brotherson said "The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship.  Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other.  It won't be easy.  But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so".

Fidelity is an important part of cherishing your marriage. As we read in Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", those who love faithfully and patiently reap the harvest of joy and companionship.  

Keeping our eternal marriage intact can be hard if we listen to the subtlety of Satan.  We should all be alert to the temptations that Satan will use to break up our marriages.  Goddard lists 10 ways to avoid the temptations.  

1.  Do not allow the seed of lust to germinate.

2.  Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.

3.  Take responsibility for the messages you give.

4.  Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

5.  If you find yourself making excuses for continuing the relationship, you are addicted.

6.  Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.

7.  Renew your spiritual efforts.  

8.  Don't set yourself up for failure.

9.  Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography.

10.  Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship

James Marshall observes "The grass is always greener on the side of the fence you water."  Goddard said. "If we tend our own little patch, even with its weeds and rocks, we will find joy that passes understanding.  If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot.  And the devil knows that".

Overcoming Gridlock with Charity

As I have thought back on my marriage, there has been times when I felt like we were in gridlock.  Neither one of us willing to give a little over something that does not even matter now.  Having that same argument over and over, could we have avoided gridlock?  Could we have come to a compromise that both of us would have benefited from?  Of course we could have, if we would have had more charity in our heart.  This week as we read together about gridlock and charity, we were able to talk about those times when we had gridlock.  If we could have followed the steps in Dr. Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", we could have over come our gridlock in speedy time.  In this book Dr. Gottman talks about how gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect.  Dr. Gottman has three steps that will help a couple when they are working on a gridlock marital issue.

Step 1:  Explore The Dreams

Choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on, and write your explanation of your position.  Explain where these dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you.  Once they both understand which dreams are fueling the gridlock, then it is time to talk about it.  Their goal is simply to understand why each of them feels so strongly about this issue.

Step 2:  Soothe

Discussing the dreams that are in opposition can be stressful.  The couple will need to pay attention to how each of them are reacting to the conversation.  If flooding occurs, the conversation will go no where.  They will need to take a break and try an activity that will calm them down.

Step 3:  Reach a Temporary Compromise

They will need to try and make peace with the issue, accepting the differences between them and establish some kind of compromise that will help them continue to discuss the problems amicably.  It may not make the issue go totally away, but it can take the hurt away.

As we try and overcome gridlock, we can bring charity into the marriage.  Charity as we know it, is the "Pure Love of Christ".  Elder Max Caldwell of the Seventy gave useful insights on charity.  He said "The phrase 'love of Christ' might have meaning in three dimensions:  Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and Love like Christ".  H. Wallace Goddard said "As we feel the love from Him and for Him, we naturally love like Him".   If we can feel the love from our spouse and for our spouse, we will naturally love like our spouse.  

Goddard also said "Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse.  It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other".  I think that we can all sit and nit pick our spouses and point out their faults, but if we can have charity in our heart, we can over looked these little faults and look for the good.

I love my husband to death, but he does do a few things that drive me crazy, and I am sure that I drive him crazy too with a few things that I do.  But as we have charity in our heart, we can overlook each others faults and love like "Him".  If we can see our spouses like Jesus sees them, we could overlook those little faults and see the many wonderful traits that they have.

1 John 4:19 says, "We love Him, because He first loved us".  In this book, Goddard says, "the same can apply to our marriages, our partners will love us because we first loved them.  Love first, don't wait to be loved.

Consecration In My Marriage

I have enjoyed the readings for this week, and it has given me a lot to think about.  Growing up, my parents taught me about the law of consecration...give all you have for the building up of the kingdom of God.  But I did not realize that the covenants that I made in the temple over the alter with my husband was also about consecration.  Giving all I have to create a marriage that would bring my family into the presence of our Heavenly Father, is what I need to do.

In the Book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage", by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, Dr. Goddard said, "Consecration moves us from acceptance to using our spiritual energy to rescue our imperfect partners".  There was a time in our marriage that I needed rescued.  I believed that my family would have been better off without me, but it was my husband who rescued me from the dark hole.  

As we give gladly and wholeheartedly, we give all we have and all we are.  This is so important in a marriage.  We do not give to receive.  We give because that is what we need to do.  As we consecrate our lives to our spouses, we will be blessed.  Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met, to asking how we can bless and serve.  

Dr. Goddard said "Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom.  It's also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there.  

At the end of our chapter on Consecration, there is a 30 day experiment.  For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner?  Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best effort in your partner?

I have decided to try this 30 day experiment and keep a journal on how it has worked for me.  I know that I will be blessed and our marriage will only become stronger as I go forth with the experiment.  

Beware of Pride

 Flat Tires in Your Relationship

Every so often I need to be reminded that I am not always right, that I need to check my pride at the door, and that my husband can be right and does have good ideas.  This weeks reading was just the reminder that I needed.  I tend to think that all of my ideas are wonderful and will always work out.  This week we bought a small sectional for our family room.  I knew it would be a tight squeeze and after several times of trying to fit it through the door, I was ready to give up.  My husband suggested we try bringing the couch in through the sliding glass doors.  I knew that would not work because it was the same size as the other door.  I finally just had to leave the room because I was so frustrated.  A few minutes later my youngest daughter came and got me to show me that it had worked.  The sectional was sitting in my family room.  I apologized to my family for getting frustrated.  My husband had a great idea and made it happen.  Now I can see that he does have good ideas and can be right.  

 I appreciate the quote on Goddard's book, "Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.  Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel.  Criticism is a slow leak in these tires".  This is so true, criticizing someone you love will cause that slow leak, and of you continue, that tire will eventually go flat.  Where will you go fr om there?  As my husband and I read Goddard's book this week, we both recognized that we are causing that slow leak.  We talked about how we were going to work on this.  It is so easy to criticize first and then ask later.  we have decided that before we criticize, we will take the time to hear the "whole" story and try and find appreciation in it.  For example, instead of criticizing my driving, my husband appreciated it very much that he did not have to walk home from the church.  We have a ways to go, but this is our goal.

President Benson said "Pride adversely affects all our relationships-our relationship with God, and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.  Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters."

As I said before, we need to check our pride at the door, so that we can have that relationship with Heavenly Father, and His servants, with our spouses and our children.  "Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion".

Staying Emotionally Connect: Turn Toward One Another

It is so important to turn toward each other, that is what keeps a marriage going.  In Gottman's book he told a story about hearing his wife grumbling while she was unloading clothes out of the dryer.  He could have just gone on his way, but he stopped and asked what was wrong.  She told him that she didn't mind doing the laundry, but she hated folding the clothes.  So John turned toward his wife, and took over folding the clothes.  Eventually she came back into the room where he was listening to jazz as he folded.  They both were relaxed and ended up going out to a local jazz club for dinner.  I love how he turned toward his wife, and laundry.  It can start as a small act, but eventually it can generate enormous results.  

I love when my husband unloads the dishwasher, because it needs to be unloaded, not because I have asked him to.  There are things that he does just because and I know that he is turning towards me.  One thing that we love to do together is grocery shopping.  Every Saturday morning he and I have a date at the grocery store.  That is something we like to do together and keeps us turned toward each other.  

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ provides eternal prospective.  In our marriages, if have this eternal prospective, things can be different.  In my marriage, I know that my husband will say or do something that can really upset me, but if we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, then those irritations and challenges can turn into blessings..

Nobody has a perfect marriage, but if we keep Heavenly Father in our marriage along with faith, then we can have a better marriage.  Both my husband and I have faults, and if we let them get to us, our marriage would struggle.  But turning toward each other and having faith, we can make it work.  This is something that I would like my children to see and know when they get married.  I hope that we are setting that example for them. 

Cherishing Your Spouse

This lesson could have not come at a better time for my husband and I.  We have been married for over 21 years and still have a few things to figure out.  So what a great opportunity it has been for us to read these chapters in Gottman's and Goddard's books this week.  Learning about the "Love Map" has been great. A Love Map is information that you have about your spouse, for instance, German chocolate cake with coconut pecan icing is my husbands favorite cake.   Even though we have been married for over 21 years, it is great to revisit our relationship and find our "Love Map".  As things change in a marriage and life, it is important to update your  Love Map.

As we answered questions about each other, we got most of them right.  That is a positive thing for our relationship.  We know each other's strengths and weaknesses, we know when each other needs a hug, or a few minute to ourselves.  We have not had a perfect marriage by any means, but this isn't a relationship that I am willing to give up on.

If we can take the time to see the positive things in our spouses and dwell on the negative things, our marriages will be stronger.  Dr. Gottman says "94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage's history and their partner's character are likely to have a happy future as well.  When happy memories are distorted, it's a sign that the marriage needs help".  

Find that positive spin, that is so important to maintaining a good relationship and marriages.  Having admiration for your spouse is also so important.  As I sat across the table from my husband during another exercise, I was amazed at the admiration I have for this man.  He is my best friend, the one that I can tell my deep dark secrets too.   I look forward to doing more of these exercises with my husband and see how we can grow closer together.  

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

I really enjoyed our reading for lesson 5.  As I prepared to read these books, I decided that it would be good to read them with my husband.  We gained insight as we read Gottman's book about the Seattle Love Lab.  Though we both decided that we would not want to take part in the experiment, it was interesting to see the results.  

My youngest brother was 13 when my mom died, which devastated him.  He struggled with a lot of things, but eventually found a young woman that he loved.  They were married in the temple and things were going well.  Eighteen months after their marriage, she told him that she did not love him, and she didn't think she ever did.  So here you have a man crushed by this new information, thankfully he had his family to help pick up the pieces.  Not too many weeks later, he found out that she had a boyfriend for many months before their break-up and had found out she was pregnant.  Because of some problem they had, my brother knew that it was not his child.  This negatively affected any woman he dated after her.  Thankfully a few years later he found his currant wife, they have 4 children and have been sealed in the temple.  As I watched them date, I feel like they had a great friendship first.  I think that being friends first is so important.  My husband is my best friend!!  In a marriage we need to be "Others-centered" and not self-centered.  Dating and marrying your best friend will help become more giving to others and no self-centered.

As interesting and informative as Gottman's book was, we really enjoyed reading "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage".  It was so nice to feel the spirit as we read about Heavenly Father getting us ready to come to earth.  For me, chapter 1 was so good.  I could not put the book down.  Toward the end of the chapter, it says "Success in marriage is much like the healing at Bethesda".  The invalid waited by the pool to be healed by the magic waters, but it was actually Jesus who healed him.  Many of us wait by the pool to heal our marriages, but it takes Jesus Christ to help heal our marriages.As we have learned in other lessons, their is three in a marriage.  The husband, wife and Jesus Christ.

Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

I really enjoyed our reading this week.  One thing that caught me eye was the talks by Elder Hafen and Elder Bednar.  Elder Hafen talked about a covenant marriage verses a contract marriage.  When trouble comes along, those in a contract marriage seem to walk away.  They give each other about 50% and they care only when they receive something in return.  Jesus refers to the contractual attitudes as "hirelings".  When the wolf (or trouble) comes they flee, turning hearts away from the children and each other."  

In a covenant marriage, each gives a 100%, and when trouble comes along, they do not run, they work it out.  In a covenant marriage, you have to take a leap of faith, and keep the covenants that you have made.  There is unconditional love and sacrifice, but you do what you can and obey Heavenly Father.

 In a covenant marriage, there is three people, husband, wife and Jesus Christ.  Jesus Christ is the focal point that brings a husband and wife together.  Elder Bednar said, "As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord, as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children".  When our youth see the respect, affection, trust and love between their parents, they will strive to have those same characteristics in their own lives.  

Eternal marriage is not a "temporary legal contract", that can be broken at any time, it is a sacred covenant  with Heavenly Father that will last through time and all eternity.  Elder Bednar says that a husband and wife need time to spend with each other without the influences and attacks from the adversary.  We need to also spend time with our children without the outer influences.  We have the gospel to help guide our families through this trying time.

I am grateful for my eternal marriage, for my husband and the support he gives me and our children.  We are not perfect by any means, and find that trials have come our way.  I think they have made us stronger, and more trusting of each other.  We take the covenants that we made in the house of the Lord very seriously.  We know that if we live up to these covenants we will be together as a family for eternity.

Threats To Marriage

In our reading this week, what caught my attention was the letter to Judge Kennedy from the child of a same-sex couple.  This was a great letter, that explains a lot about the children that are involved in these same-sex marriages.  Katy Faust is the author of this letter and she said, "The desires of the adults trump the rights of the child".  That is so true.  People are not necessarily looking out for the children that are involved in these families.  They are looking out for themselves and their feelings and rights.  Another point that she made was that nobody talks about that "missing parent".  Children in homes of same-sex couples have either two moms or two dads.  They are missing out on that one parent, whether it be their mom or dad.  Katy's argue in this letter also is that marriage should not be redefined.  When it is redefined, you are redefining parenthood.  

This letter put same-sex marriage in a whole new light for me.  Katy was right, you never hear about the children.  She is out there standing up for these children.  Our niece lives in California and spent many countless hours working with many members on Proposition 8.  It was amazing that it passed.  We need to stand up for our beliefs when it comes to same-sex marriage.  I love that we have the Family:  A Proclamation to the World, and I have referred friends to it when they ask about our belief in the church.

In my extended family I have cousins who are attracted to the same sex, but to my knowledge they haven't gotten married to their partners.  One couple, for instance are in there 50s and have no children, just dogs.  They have lived together for over 25 years.  I must admit, they are fun to be around, and even though I do not agree with their same-sex attraction and cohabitation they are still family.  Neither of my cousins have children and I feel like that is a blessing, especially after reading Katy letter.

Marriage Trends: Divorce

This week our lesson was on Marriage Trends:  Divorce.  What caught my attention this week in our reading was, that divorce has declined since the 1980s.  Divorce is a word that has been thrown around a lot in the last few years, even in the church.  It is so common, that you would have thought that it skyrocketed since the 80s.  But as we read this week, divorce kept increasing from the 1960s unto the 1980s, where it has declined before it increased some.  It is still lower now than is was in the 80s. 
As I thought about what would make it decrease, but have it so prevalent today, I feel like there are many people who are cohabiting or living together in a "trial marriage".  They want to make sure it will work, before they make that commitment.  Commitment is a big part of being married.  It takes both of you working together to make a marriage work.  That needs to be a common goal for both the husband and the wife.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks said "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman.  It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection".  I have been married for 21 1/2 years, and even though our marriage is not perfect by any means, we work together and strive to make it as perfect as we can.
Also, men and women are getting married later in life.  The median age for women is 27 and men 29.  I think that in the US men and women are putting their education and career first before marriage.   Elder Cook said "Some postpone marriage until education is complete and a job is obtained.  While widely accepted in the world. this reasoning does not demonstrate faith, does not comply with counsel of modern prophets, and is not compatible with sound doctrine".  
Our oldest son is currently serving a mission in California.  He has been out for 7 months and when he returns, we will encourage him to date as Elder Cook has said  "to prepare for marriage".