Overcoming Gridlock with Charity

As I have thought back on my marriage, there has been times when I felt like we were in gridlock.  Neither one of us willing to give a little over something that does not even matter now.  Having that same argument over and over, could we have avoided gridlock?  Could we have come to a compromise that both of us would have benefited from?  Of course we could have, if we would have had more charity in our heart.  This week as we read together about gridlock and charity, we were able to talk about those times when we had gridlock.  If we could have followed the steps in Dr. Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", we could have over come our gridlock in speedy time.  In this book Dr. Gottman talks about how gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect.  Dr. Gottman has three steps that will help a couple when they are working on a gridlock marital issue.

Step 1:  Explore The Dreams

Choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on, and write your explanation of your position.  Explain where these dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you.  Once they both understand which dreams are fueling the gridlock, then it is time to talk about it.  Their goal is simply to understand why each of them feels so strongly about this issue.

Step 2:  Soothe

Discussing the dreams that are in opposition can be stressful.  The couple will need to pay attention to how each of them are reacting to the conversation.  If flooding occurs, the conversation will go no where.  They will need to take a break and try an activity that will calm them down.

Step 3:  Reach a Temporary Compromise

They will need to try and make peace with the issue, accepting the differences between them and establish some kind of compromise that will help them continue to discuss the problems amicably.  It may not make the issue go totally away, but it can take the hurt away.

As we try and overcome gridlock, we can bring charity into the marriage.  Charity as we know it, is the "Pure Love of Christ".  Elder Max Caldwell of the Seventy gave useful insights on charity.  He said "The phrase 'love of Christ' might have meaning in three dimensions:  Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and Love like Christ".  H. Wallace Goddard said "As we feel the love from Him and for Him, we naturally love like Him".   If we can feel the love from our spouse and for our spouse, we will naturally love like our spouse.  

Goddard also said "Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse.  It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other".  I think that we can all sit and nit pick our spouses and point out their faults, but if we can have charity in our heart, we can over looked these little faults and look for the good.

I love my husband to death, but he does do a few things that drive me crazy, and I am sure that I drive him crazy too with a few things that I do.  But as we have charity in our heart, we can overlook each others faults and love like "Him".  If we can see our spouses like Jesus sees them, we could overlook those little faults and see the many wonderful traits that they have.

1 John 4:19 says, "We love Him, because He first loved us".  In this book, Goddard says, "the same can apply to our marriages, our partners will love us because we first loved them.  Love first, don't wait to be loved.