Staying Emotionally Connect: Turn Toward One Another

It is so important to turn toward each other, that is what keeps a marriage going.  In Gottman's book he told a story about hearing his wife grumbling while she was unloading clothes out of the dryer.  He could have just gone on his way, but he stopped and asked what was wrong.  She told him that she didn't mind doing the laundry, but she hated folding the clothes.  So John turned toward his wife, and took over folding the clothes.  Eventually she came back into the room where he was listening to jazz as he folded.  They both were relaxed and ended up going out to a local jazz club for dinner.  I love how he turned toward his wife, and laundry.  It can start as a small act, but eventually it can generate enormous results.  

I love when my husband unloads the dishwasher, because it needs to be unloaded, not because I have asked him to.  There are things that he does just because and I know that he is turning towards me.  One thing that we love to do together is grocery shopping.  Every Saturday morning he and I have a date at the grocery store.  That is something we like to do together and keeps us turned toward each other.  

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ provides eternal prospective.  In our marriages, if have this eternal prospective, things can be different.  In my marriage, I know that my husband will say or do something that can really upset me, but if we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, then those irritations and challenges can turn into blessings..

Nobody has a perfect marriage, but if we keep Heavenly Father in our marriage along with faith, then we can have a better marriage.  Both my husband and I have faults, and if we let them get to us, our marriage would struggle.  But turning toward each other and having faith, we can make it work.  This is something that I would like my children to see and know when they get married.  I hope that we are setting that example for them. 

Cherishing Your Spouse

This lesson could have not come at a better time for my husband and I.  We have been married for over 21 years and still have a few things to figure out.  So what a great opportunity it has been for us to read these chapters in Gottman's and Goddard's books this week.  Learning about the "Love Map" has been great. A Love Map is information that you have about your spouse, for instance, German chocolate cake with coconut pecan icing is my husbands favorite cake.   Even though we have been married for over 21 years, it is great to revisit our relationship and find our "Love Map".  As things change in a marriage and life, it is important to update your  Love Map.

As we answered questions about each other, we got most of them right.  That is a positive thing for our relationship.  We know each other's strengths and weaknesses, we know when each other needs a hug, or a few minute to ourselves.  We have not had a perfect marriage by any means, but this isn't a relationship that I am willing to give up on.

If we can take the time to see the positive things in our spouses and dwell on the negative things, our marriages will be stronger.  Dr. Gottman says "94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage's history and their partner's character are likely to have a happy future as well.  When happy memories are distorted, it's a sign that the marriage needs help".  

Find that positive spin, that is so important to maintaining a good relationship and marriages.  Having admiration for your spouse is also so important.  As I sat across the table from my husband during another exercise, I was amazed at the admiration I have for this man.  He is my best friend, the one that I can tell my deep dark secrets too.   I look forward to doing more of these exercises with my husband and see how we can grow closer together.  

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

I really enjoyed our reading for lesson 5.  As I prepared to read these books, I decided that it would be good to read them with my husband.  We gained insight as we read Gottman's book about the Seattle Love Lab.  Though we both decided that we would not want to take part in the experiment, it was interesting to see the results.  

My youngest brother was 13 when my mom died, which devastated him.  He struggled with a lot of things, but eventually found a young woman that he loved.  They were married in the temple and things were going well.  Eighteen months after their marriage, she told him that she did not love him, and she didn't think she ever did.  So here you have a man crushed by this new information, thankfully he had his family to help pick up the pieces.  Not too many weeks later, he found out that she had a boyfriend for many months before their break-up and had found out she was pregnant.  Because of some problem they had, my brother knew that it was not his child.  This negatively affected any woman he dated after her.  Thankfully a few years later he found his currant wife, they have 4 children and have been sealed in the temple.  As I watched them date, I feel like they had a great friendship first.  I think that being friends first is so important.  My husband is my best friend!!  In a marriage we need to be "Others-centered" and not self-centered.  Dating and marrying your best friend will help become more giving to others and no self-centered.

As interesting and informative as Gottman's book was, we really enjoyed reading "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage".  It was so nice to feel the spirit as we read about Heavenly Father getting us ready to come to earth.  For me, chapter 1 was so good.  I could not put the book down.  Toward the end of the chapter, it says "Success in marriage is much like the healing at Bethesda".  The invalid waited by the pool to be healed by the magic waters, but it was actually Jesus who healed him.  Many of us wait by the pool to heal our marriages, but it takes Jesus Christ to help heal our marriages.As we have learned in other lessons, their is three in a marriage.  The husband, wife and Jesus Christ.

Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

I really enjoyed our reading this week.  One thing that caught me eye was the talks by Elder Hafen and Elder Bednar.  Elder Hafen talked about a covenant marriage verses a contract marriage.  When trouble comes along, those in a contract marriage seem to walk away.  They give each other about 50% and they care only when they receive something in return.  Jesus refers to the contractual attitudes as "hirelings".  When the wolf (or trouble) comes they flee, turning hearts away from the children and each other."  

In a covenant marriage, each gives a 100%, and when trouble comes along, they do not run, they work it out.  In a covenant marriage, you have to take a leap of faith, and keep the covenants that you have made.  There is unconditional love and sacrifice, but you do what you can and obey Heavenly Father.

 In a covenant marriage, there is three people, husband, wife and Jesus Christ.  Jesus Christ is the focal point that brings a husband and wife together.  Elder Bednar said, "As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord, as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children".  When our youth see the respect, affection, trust and love between their parents, they will strive to have those same characteristics in their own lives.  

Eternal marriage is not a "temporary legal contract", that can be broken at any time, it is a sacred covenant  with Heavenly Father that will last through time and all eternity.  Elder Bednar says that a husband and wife need time to spend with each other without the influences and attacks from the adversary.  We need to also spend time with our children without the outer influences.  We have the gospel to help guide our families through this trying time.

I am grateful for my eternal marriage, for my husband and the support he gives me and our children.  We are not perfect by any means, and find that trials have come our way.  I think they have made us stronger, and more trusting of each other.  We take the covenants that we made in the house of the Lord very seriously.  We know that if we live up to these covenants we will be together as a family for eternity.

Threats To Marriage

In our reading this week, what caught my attention was the letter to Judge Kennedy from the child of a same-sex couple.  This was a great letter, that explains a lot about the children that are involved in these same-sex marriages.  Katy Faust is the author of this letter and she said, "The desires of the adults trump the rights of the child".  That is so true.  People are not necessarily looking out for the children that are involved in these families.  They are looking out for themselves and their feelings and rights.  Another point that she made was that nobody talks about that "missing parent".  Children in homes of same-sex couples have either two moms or two dads.  They are missing out on that one parent, whether it be their mom or dad.  Katy's argue in this letter also is that marriage should not be redefined.  When it is redefined, you are redefining parenthood.  

This letter put same-sex marriage in a whole new light for me.  Katy was right, you never hear about the children.  She is out there standing up for these children.  Our niece lives in California and spent many countless hours working with many members on Proposition 8.  It was amazing that it passed.  We need to stand up for our beliefs when it comes to same-sex marriage.  I love that we have the Family:  A Proclamation to the World, and I have referred friends to it when they ask about our belief in the church.

In my extended family I have cousins who are attracted to the same sex, but to my knowledge they haven't gotten married to their partners.  One couple, for instance are in there 50s and have no children, just dogs.  They have lived together for over 25 years.  I must admit, they are fun to be around, and even though I do not agree with their same-sex attraction and cohabitation they are still family.  Neither of my cousins have children and I feel like that is a blessing, especially after reading Katy letter.

Marriage Trends: Divorce

This week our lesson was on Marriage Trends:  Divorce.  What caught my attention this week in our reading was, that divorce has declined since the 1980s.  Divorce is a word that has been thrown around a lot in the last few years, even in the church.  It is so common, that you would have thought that it skyrocketed since the 80s.  But as we read this week, divorce kept increasing from the 1960s unto the 1980s, where it has declined before it increased some.  It is still lower now than is was in the 80s. 
As I thought about what would make it decrease, but have it so prevalent today, I feel like there are many people who are cohabiting or living together in a "trial marriage".  They want to make sure it will work, before they make that commitment.  Commitment is a big part of being married.  It takes both of you working together to make a marriage work.  That needs to be a common goal for both the husband and the wife.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks said "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman.  It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection".  I have been married for 21 1/2 years, and even though our marriage is not perfect by any means, we work together and strive to make it as perfect as we can.
Also, men and women are getting married later in life.  The median age for women is 27 and men 29.  I think that in the US men and women are putting their education and career first before marriage.   Elder Cook said "Some postpone marriage until education is complete and a job is obtained.  While widely accepted in the world. this reasoning does not demonstrate faith, does not comply with counsel of modern prophets, and is not compatible with sound doctrine".  
Our oldest son is currently serving a mission in California.  He has been out for 7 months and when he returns, we will encourage him to date as Elder Cook has said  "to prepare for marriage".