Beware of Pride

 Flat Tires in Your Relationship

Every so often I need to be reminded that I am not always right, that I need to check my pride at the door, and that my husband can be right and does have good ideas.  This weeks reading was just the reminder that I needed.  I tend to think that all of my ideas are wonderful and will always work out.  This week we bought a small sectional for our family room.  I knew it would be a tight squeeze and after several times of trying to fit it through the door, I was ready to give up.  My husband suggested we try bringing the couch in through the sliding glass doors.  I knew that would not work because it was the same size as the other door.  I finally just had to leave the room because I was so frustrated.  A few minutes later my youngest daughter came and got me to show me that it had worked.  The sectional was sitting in my family room.  I apologized to my family for getting frustrated.  My husband had a great idea and made it happen.  Now I can see that he does have good ideas and can be right.  

 I appreciate the quote on Goddard's book, "Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.  Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel.  Criticism is a slow leak in these tires".  This is so true, criticizing someone you love will cause that slow leak, and of you continue, that tire will eventually go flat.  Where will you go fr om there?  As my husband and I read Goddard's book this week, we both recognized that we are causing that slow leak.  We talked about how we were going to work on this.  It is so easy to criticize first and then ask later.  we have decided that before we criticize, we will take the time to hear the "whole" story and try and find appreciation in it.  For example, instead of criticizing my driving, my husband appreciated it very much that he did not have to walk home from the church.  We have a ways to go, but this is our goal.

President Benson said "Pride adversely affects all our relationships-our relationship with God, and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.  Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters."

As I said before, we need to check our pride at the door, so that we can have that relationship with Heavenly Father, and His servants, with our spouses and our children.  "Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion".

Staying Emotionally Connect: Turn Toward One Another

It is so important to turn toward each other, that is what keeps a marriage going.  In Gottman's book he told a story about hearing his wife grumbling while she was unloading clothes out of the dryer.  He could have just gone on his way, but he stopped and asked what was wrong.  She told him that she didn't mind doing the laundry, but she hated folding the clothes.  So John turned toward his wife, and took over folding the clothes.  Eventually she came back into the room where he was listening to jazz as he folded.  They both were relaxed and ended up going out to a local jazz club for dinner.  I love how he turned toward his wife, and laundry.  It can start as a small act, but eventually it can generate enormous results.  

I love when my husband unloads the dishwasher, because it needs to be unloaded, not because I have asked him to.  There are things that he does just because and I know that he is turning towards me.  One thing that we love to do together is grocery shopping.  Every Saturday morning he and I have a date at the grocery store.  That is something we like to do together and keeps us turned toward each other.  

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ provides eternal prospective.  In our marriages, if have this eternal prospective, things can be different.  In my marriage, I know that my husband will say or do something that can really upset me, but if we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, then those irritations and challenges can turn into blessings..

Nobody has a perfect marriage, but if we keep Heavenly Father in our marriage along with faith, then we can have a better marriage.  Both my husband and I have faults, and if we let them get to us, our marriage would struggle.  But turning toward each other and having faith, we can make it work.  This is something that I would like my children to see and know when they get married.  I hope that we are setting that example for them. 

Cherishing Your Spouse

This lesson could have not come at a better time for my husband and I.  We have been married for over 21 years and still have a few things to figure out.  So what a great opportunity it has been for us to read these chapters in Gottman's and Goddard's books this week.  Learning about the "Love Map" has been great. A Love Map is information that you have about your spouse, for instance, German chocolate cake with coconut pecan icing is my husbands favorite cake.   Even though we have been married for over 21 years, it is great to revisit our relationship and find our "Love Map".  As things change in a marriage and life, it is important to update your  Love Map.

As we answered questions about each other, we got most of them right.  That is a positive thing for our relationship.  We know each other's strengths and weaknesses, we know when each other needs a hug, or a few minute to ourselves.  We have not had a perfect marriage by any means, but this isn't a relationship that I am willing to give up on.

If we can take the time to see the positive things in our spouses and dwell on the negative things, our marriages will be stronger.  Dr. Gottman says "94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage's history and their partner's character are likely to have a happy future as well.  When happy memories are distorted, it's a sign that the marriage needs help".  

Find that positive spin, that is so important to maintaining a good relationship and marriages.  Having admiration for your spouse is also so important.  As I sat across the table from my husband during another exercise, I was amazed at the admiration I have for this man.  He is my best friend, the one that I can tell my deep dark secrets too.   I look forward to doing more of these exercises with my husband and see how we can grow closer together.  

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

I really enjoyed our reading for lesson 5.  As I prepared to read these books, I decided that it would be good to read them with my husband.  We gained insight as we read Gottman's book about the Seattle Love Lab.  Though we both decided that we would not want to take part in the experiment, it was interesting to see the results.  

My youngest brother was 13 when my mom died, which devastated him.  He struggled with a lot of things, but eventually found a young woman that he loved.  They were married in the temple and things were going well.  Eighteen months after their marriage, she told him that she did not love him, and she didn't think she ever did.  So here you have a man crushed by this new information, thankfully he had his family to help pick up the pieces.  Not too many weeks later, he found out that she had a boyfriend for many months before their break-up and had found out she was pregnant.  Because of some problem they had, my brother knew that it was not his child.  This negatively affected any woman he dated after her.  Thankfully a few years later he found his currant wife, they have 4 children and have been sealed in the temple.  As I watched them date, I feel like they had a great friendship first.  I think that being friends first is so important.  My husband is my best friend!!  In a marriage we need to be "Others-centered" and not self-centered.  Dating and marrying your best friend will help become more giving to others and no self-centered.

As interesting and informative as Gottman's book was, we really enjoyed reading "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage".  It was so nice to feel the spirit as we read about Heavenly Father getting us ready to come to earth.  For me, chapter 1 was so good.  I could not put the book down.  Toward the end of the chapter, it says "Success in marriage is much like the healing at Bethesda".  The invalid waited by the pool to be healed by the magic waters, but it was actually Jesus who healed him.  Many of us wait by the pool to heal our marriages, but it takes Jesus Christ to help heal our marriages.As we have learned in other lessons, their is three in a marriage.  The husband, wife and Jesus Christ.